ok lah.. today im going say out whatever there's in my heart.. and many more la.. i have no one to talk to.. so i'll blog here..
i just wanna say im very hurt now lah.. my heart so pain.. haiz.. i already got hole in the heart.. a weak heart.. somemore.. more holes are created.. i dunno what to say.. im very hurted.. and very lonely and terrible sad.. i keep shaking my head.. i dunno what to do.. my mind now is full of "dunno" and "why?" .. whY?? dont know..
why am i like this??.. im so lonely.. im mr. lonely.. im by all myself.. haiz.. i've been keeping this for so long.. i have no friends.. none.. no real friends out there.. im so lonely.. haiz.. friends contact each other oftenly.. my "friends" is like few decade contact me.. these are not friends.. i really have no friends.. im all alone.. even i do have friends.. my number of friends is as low as 3.. sian la.. i think im sick already.. ppl got love sick.. got sick.. got alot of sick.. but im lonely sick.. im so lonely.. haiz.. sometimes when i sleep.. i even cry.. there's no body beside me.. none at all.. im all by myself..
so from small already like that la.. that's why i take gaming as an replacement.. got games to play.. i wont think so much about frens or relationship or what.. i dont like gamging one.. nothing to doinside de gaming world lo.. but i dun really care la.. if i think too much again.. i will be mad one day.. so lonely.. haiz.. i take gaming as a replacement.. for not being lonely.. i just game and game whole day.. you think i really want??.. i admire those people who go out together as a group happily.. i wish im in too.. but sad to say.. no.. i want all these.. but sad to say again.. no... these years.. i tried to keep it to myself.. i force myself to enjoy games and play them whenever i can.. coz i have no friends.. im very lonely.. since than i have a habit of keeping things to myself.. if i've trouble.. i'll keep to myself.. coz there's no one around for me.. my family dosn't care much.. my mom can't be always beside me.. i really have no choice.. so i took the lonely way..
cause i have no friends at all.. i can't share with them my trouble.. from small already like that.. till now its the same thing.. there's no one truthly around me.. i really dunno what to do.. so i have to act.. these years.. i act as nothing happen.. im a good actor.. so many years.. so many troubles.. uncountable troubles in my heart till now.. i really cannot take it anymore man.. sian.. why i have this suay life... whole life so suay one.. such a suay kia.. from small nothing good happen to me.. and whole life so lonely till now.. sian..
does anyone knows or not.. my heart are filled with holes.. sad .. lonely.. hurt.. lots of scars from small.. wa piang.. all inside.. im really really very.. sad/lonely/hurt.. all these years in my life.. its just that i keep them.. i kept them too long.. now i think wanna explode liao.. i can't take it anymore man..
i online make frens.. alot of online frens.. haha.. but same.. none of them last long.. im really very lonely.. i dunno why.. im really so lonely.. few years back.. i decided to find some true love.. because i think that's the way to cure my loneliness.. but.. i failed alot of times.. nevermind.. i tried again and again.. till 2 years back.. around the corner now.. i get to know this lovely girl.. she was cute.. lovely.. and very nice.. we begin to know each other.. i fall in love with her.. she said she loves me too.. BUT.. sian la.. i didn't know she's just playing relationship with me.. she is like an actress.. or empty-minded.. or dunno what to say lah.. i tot she was true to me.. i was so prepared.. i smiled and say im finally no longer lonely.. im going to take care of her forever in my life.. BUT very sad and very hurt to say so.. no.. SHE cheated me.. she cheated my love.. she scammed it.. i was so good to her.. she treat me like that.. i dont know what to say.. i just hate her alot now.. from a very nice name.. become a evil name.. she better not me see her walking outside.. i feel like killing her.. i hate her so much for lying to me and cheat me.. she left a damn big scar in my heart.. that will never be gone.. it will stay there forever till the day i leave this world.. i just hate her so much.. why must she done this kind of things.. i really can't understand..
there's alot more.. but i'll keep short.. now i dunno what to do.. i have nothing now.. totally nothing.. no frens.. no this.. no that.. my planned dream just bursted like that.. im worst than any animal that lives in this world.... im so lonely.. there's no one.. they all left me in a painful truth.. i feel so pain here and than when i start thinking of all these things for the few past years..
i really dunno what to do.. pain after pain.. scars after scars.. troubles after troubles.. all just came looking for me.. im too scared... i decide to keep in silence.. now i can't take it anymore.. what should i really do.. there's no one out there.. im a world by myself.. really.. god what should i do..
what i really need now is.. someone.. someone who i can share those pain i had.. i could feel better.. but there isn't anyone suitable.. i've planned my life.. yet now.. its destroyed by that bitch.. now i left with nothing.. my mom can't always stay beside me, i've failed finding that someone.. im a totally failure now.. i dont know what to do.. its like end of my life.. but whatever la.. i really need someone who cares for me and take care of me now.. i've been deeply hurt.. deeply pain.. deeply sad.. and terrible lonely.. all these years i've put up an act.. i act like as if im all right.. cause i dont wan people to worried about me.. but now i can't take it anymore.. i know all these are text only.. if im going to say out tru my mouth.. that will be hard for me.. i really dunno what's going on.. god please save me.. i can't save myself already..
i feel so pain in the heart.. and i can really feel it.. its like needles poking in my heart.. its really painful.. something might happen to me anytime.. people get sick to death.. what about me?? im sad/hurt/lonely to death.. im serious.. i really need someone by myside.. i tried finding.. but failed.. i dont want to have such lonely life anymore.. but what can i do.. what's the meaning in my life.. there's no meaning.. nothing in it.. whatever i do.. whatever good things i do.. whatever things i do.. it wont come to a happy ending.. why is my life like that.. why give me such fate.. i seriously dont understand..
i thought i've already out of this lonely life finding someone to cure my loneliness.. but i dont know why whose playing with me.. why take away things from me.. or bully me.. what did i done wrong in the first place?? why my life has to be like that?? . why?? infinity of why.. i really dunno what to do now.. i think i might see a doctor soon.. i can't hold it anymore.. seriously.. this is not a joke.. or what.. im serious.. as i type all these.. im shaking my head.. my tears keep coming out of my eyes.. im so lonely.. i have no one.. only can express it in text here..
GOD!! im really really very lonely.. :( i have nothing now.. do you know how lonely i am?? if you give me a lonely life.. than that's fine.. but than why give me so much troubles.. so much scars that can never be removed.. and made me remember it for the rest of my life? why must you hurt my life...?
have i done wrong in my past life? or what.. why must it be me.. haiz.. thinking about it.. when was i happy before?? none... im not happy at all.. i put up an act.. i act and act.. not happy also act till happy.. when i was sad before?? yes.. almost everday.. everyday i sleep.. i start to think.. i couldn't sleep properly.. i was so lonely.. i had to use my radio.. my mp3.. my computer songs.. to keep me sleep.. or either hear people talking to me so that i could sleep in peace.. everyday when i sleep i had this problem.. im just feeling lonely.. there's no damn people around me to comfort me.. to ask me what happen.. to take care of me.. to share with me.. no one at all.. my parents work in the night.. my siblings sleeps early.. i had no friends at all.. i really feel so lonely.. i thought i have found someone in my life.. i could share with her.. but it end up to be a fking big joke.. well nevermind.. i feel so pain.. sometimes i couldn't even sleep in peace.. all i do is.. sleep.. wake up.. i'll continue to do things.. to replace my loneliness.. i would play computer games for long time.. so i wont think of lonely.. i will just continue doing till im tired.. i went to bed.. and the problem comes.. i had so much troubles.. so much hurt.. so much scars left in my heart.. yet i have no one to tell them to when im going to sleep or alone.. i had no one comforting me.. im all by myself.. i really feel that im such a idiot.. such a stupid.. such a super useless person.. i dont know what to do now.. i really dunno.. how i wish i wasn't in this state.. instead i can go on to the happy side of my life.. but now its in the black side of my life.. everything seems so dark.. im all alone..
i really dont know la.. im crying :`( i can't stop... i've been keeping these for so many many years.. not 1 or 2 years only.. believe me or not?? its already been 10 years +.. since when im small.. i really dunno now.. i feel SO LOST.. i feel so DARK.. i feel VERY LONELY.. just to share with you my birthday wish for ALL THESE YEARS.. listen.. its ALL THESE YEARS.. not this year.. not last year.. its almost every year.. people said that if you say out your wish.. it wont come true.. today im going to share with you my birthday wish.. since it dosn't even come true no matter what i do..
i wished im not lonely.. i would have frens, i promise i'll be good.. i'll help them if they need me.. i'll throw all my good side to them.. and hopefully one day i can find someone i really love.. so she could stay forever by my side.. than, im not lonely anymore.. i promised myself.. to take care of the person who willing to be with me.. because i have no friends.. nothing.. if she's willing to be with me.. i'll use my life on her.. yes.. i want friends.. but if i can't get any friends.. like now.. than i'll have to look for someone who walk with me till my very last heartbeat..
i dont know what to say already.. i only know im very lonely.. friends can't stay forever by my side.. my parents can't stay beside me all the time too.. all i need now is someone who can walk with me till my very last day of my life.. therefor.. i wont be lonely.. i wont keep troubles to myself anymore.. and not lonely anymore..
