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Friday, October 19, 2007

Today, im going to try to shoot everything out.. believe or not.. yesterday i tried to sleep at 10pm.. but i can't, my mind is corrupted, i tried to sleep.. but can't.. from 10pm.. i was on bed.. till 2.30am.. i woke up and drink water, back to sleep.. but can't.. all the way from 2.30am to 6am my tears came out.. that's freaking 3 hours+ , i wasted half of the box tissue.. my pillow was wet.. i tried close my eye and sleep.. but can't.. i dont know why.. my tears just never ending came out.. i was thinking and talking to god and myself.. finally till 6am i slept.. but not long.. 6.50am i woke up again.. i couldn't sleep anymore.. i think i need sleeping pills soon.. i woke up at 7am.. i woke up.. was raining here.. i went washing my face & teeth brushing, ate 1 piece of bread.. having slight fever and headace.. my mom gave me to eat her fever medicine.. she asked me what happen to my eyes.. i didn't answer her.. she dont know.. and i went to bed again.. but i can't.. once im in bed closing my eyes.. i'll start to think again.. and tears coming out again.. i tried to control.. but failed.. so i went online.. i dont wanna lie on my bed anymore.. to not keep thinking.. i went online DotA-ing all the way till lunch time.

why?? i've been asking myself why?? wei shen mo?? why??..

let me type in orange.. since its my colour, why must this happen to me?? God.. why?? i just want a simple life.. i dont want to be rich.. i dont want to be supernatural.. i dont want to be anything.. GOD, I JUST WANT A SIMPLE LIFE.. with someone with me taking care of each other. why can't i have it?? i already dont have a good life.. God.. why?? first you born me with a problem heart.. a hole in the heart.. with it i can't do what people enjoy doing.. whenever there's sports or P.E lessons in schools.. i'll be always the lonely one sitting on the table reading books while others of my classmate having fun playing their sports game.. i can't join in.. this last for my entire primary & secondary schools life.. dont you think i dun wanna play? i want.. but can't.. i have a weak heart.. i might just end my life anytime, anywhere.. im already upset by this problem of my heart.. now you wanna take away my happiness? why must you take away those thing i like and what i want?? or give them to me temporary?? why can't be permanent?? i just want this wish in my life.. can't i get it? there's no body caring for me.. im all alone.. my mom has already taken care of me for years.. now that i have wings to find my own way.. but i have failed.. i dont know why im here for.. are you torturing me? or what? what have i done wrong? when i was small.. in all schools, i was all alone by myself.. where others happily enjoying themself.. when schools over, im the first one to rush home.. while others went out in a group.. this go for my primary and secondary school lifes.. because im all alone.. in order not to be lonely.. my mom bought me a computer.. i begin to like computers.. from that day onwards, i am addicted to computer and also games.. that's why im a gamer today.. since i have no friends in rea-life, i'll make friends online.. i start to like games when i was in secondary 1.. when school ends i rush back home.. first thing i do was to on the computer and start to game.. i made alot alot alot i mean alot of online gaming friends.. but none in real-life.. im having fun in my gaming world.. but not real world.. that's why im so lonely today.. now i just want a simple life.. also cannot.. i really dunno what to do now.. there's no body caring for me.. im all alone.. im a caring guy and helpful guy.. because i learnt all these in gaming.. most of the games i play-ed, i like to be a supporting class, like Priest/Healer/Cleric/Bishop .. anything that has to do with support and help.. i like to help and care for my team-mates by healing them or cure them when they need me.. when they ran out of life.. i'll resurrect them and give them a new life.. but now in this situation.. who will be the one to heal/cure me? who will give me a new life? i dont want any good things.. i just want a simple life.. why can't i ?? im not bad.. i can't understand.. since you dont wanna give me anything.. why not take me with you.. dont torture me anymore, im prepared anytime to leave this world of loneliness..

that's all i want to say for now,.. im so hurt, so sad, and very lonely.. what should i do?? i dont know what to do.. im so confuse.. i dont know what im doing.. im just sad..
why??? why?? why?..

why must "love" bully me too?.. she really forget my birthday?, not even a word from her :`( .. will she keeps all the promises she promised me? how many times she lied to me?? why dosn't she reply what i send/tell her?? she enjoy happily with other guys.. but not me.. now she wanna leave me without a single word?? not even answer : "NO"?? why must she do all these to me? why? i just hope that she will call me back to her side again.. i really wish.. i really want.. and i really love her.

im too sad to do anything now la.. im going to my bed again.. when free den blog.. haiz.. this world is full of craps, full of lies.. full of shit.. or maybe i should say, i should not even be in this beautiful world.. just let me die la.. hai.

in the middle of the midnight woke up again.. switched on my computer and nothing to write le

good nite.. :`(

Labels: god.. i dont have the mood for ANYTHING :`(